Shadows

She sits in the cold, dark shadows. Her heart is beating even faster now. Her skin feels as if it's on fire.  Shes tries to get up, she wants to escape! But her legs give out, she is too weak. So she crawls, with every ounce left in her she crawls! The shadows follow closely behind. One more time she tries to stand. She is knocked down once more. She cries and she pleads, " I want out!" but nobody is there to aid her. She tries to gathers herself, and one more time attempts to crawl. She is becoming weaker and dizzier with each failed attempt, but she doesn't give up. As soon as she got enough strength for another move forward, she is startled by a sudden swift grab at her ankles. The shadows are at her feet they pull her back in. She screams " Noooo!" She wants freedom from these shadows. She wants happiness. She needs help. She screams " Why will nobody help me!" The shadows had succeeded. They had pulled her back into their cold, dark shadows, and again she is entrapped. She puts her head down and weaps. She screams out for an answer, nobody can hear her. She then looks up out of her despair, and she sees the faces of those she loves. She begs for them to do something! But she soon reaizes that they are blind to the shadows trapping her, and so her plea's are nothing to them. They walk away. She hits the walls around her and tries to fight the shadows off, but they are too strong. Maybe if she would have tried to fight them when they first found her she could have won, but now it is too late, as it would seem, they are too strong and have taken too much out of her for her to stand a chance. So she sits in the shadows that surround her waiting for a chance to be the normal she once knew, but has long forgotten.

The Broken Girl

screaming, arguing, hurtful words, slamming doors, bodies thrown around rooms like dolls, and cries for help. She is forever scarred by the catastrophy of her young childhood. She tries to forget, but how can she? she fought for her families respect and through herself into the ongoing war to protect the victims she loved so dearly. but instead of them thanking her and acknowledging her care and love for them they shut her down and burden her with blame. After taking on their pain and suffering for them you would think she would get a little appreciation, but no. she felt as if she was being bruised and beaten for a worthless cause but even though she knew no appreciation would come toher at the end of the day she still loved them so dearly that none of that mattered. \
As time went on i guess you could say things calmed down a bit. But then something happened as her teen years quickly approached. An Attitude she had never known before had become her identity, as though a weed of anger and sadness grew without cease within her. She would find herself getting angry with those people she once held so dearly much easier than normal. Why couldnt she let go of her past? i dont think she knew. So in return they would become angry with her and the war would start all over again, only this time she was the victim, its like everything she ever wanted to say in the past came out like a waterfall of regret and sorrow. this angered them because they were oblivious to themselves and their actions. She could not understand why when she needed saving no one was there to help her. instead they would all stand around and watch. She knew that something bitter was growing in her and she wanted help but nobody would give it to her.
So years went on and her heart grew weak and cold, but nobody cared. in everyone elses eyes she was merely a psycho patient with no hope, she knew otherwise. but with every hurtful word and rude gesture she began to question her sanity, but she found it in herself to overlook that thought. she was hurt and sometimes it came out as anger. Although she knew her sanity, she however did not know her purpose...would she be better off dead. why should she have to live with this unbearable hurt and feeling of rejection. She attempted suicide but however sorrowfully did not succeed. So she sticks to the cutting and as pathetic as it seems it gave her release and some other kind of pain to focus on instead of the one she faced every day of her life. With every slit of her stomach her slices became more and more painful with the thoughts of her burdens that were laid upon on her. she wants to stop.....
She wants the pain of her life to find its breaking point before she finds hers.

She Hates Herself

She hates herself. With every minute she spends awake at night. with every second she ponders about getting out of bed. with every tear. every thought. and everyones opinions. She gives up, shes done. She often wonders how much more she cant take.
She cuts her stomach to ease the pain of everyone around her and the sorrow she carries on her shoulders. She hates herself. for everything she is. for everything she isnt. for everyone else. she hates herself.
One cut......two cut.....three cut......when will this end! She hates what she does. she hates herself.
She wants love and acceptance. She puts her makeup on and does her hair. She puts on her most loved outfit and jewelry trying to play a part....but she never truly fits in. Maybe if she were skinnier and just a little prettier all of her problems would cease. But she will never be who she imagines in her fantasies. She faces the facts. No one will ever love her and accept her...so she hates herself.

Who's That Girl?

Who's that girl in the mirror?
Brushing her hair with her pink comb
Dress into her favorite pink dress
Wearing lipstick

Who's that girl in the mirror?
Whispering to herself
Murmuring her doubt
Trying to speak

Who's that girl in the mirror?
She was sour
She was wounded
Barely breathing

Who's that girl in the mirror?
She has a knife pierced into her heart
But choose to say, "I am just fine."
Somehow broken inside

Who's that girl in the mirror?
Who can she trust?
Who shall be her true friend?
Who can understand her feeling?

 

depression

the loud screams are all around me. how do i get out of here. i want to escape! i close my ears to drown them out but they break apart the sound barrier. i try to create a distraction for myself but the words trickle through my mind like a poison. it causes my heart to deteriorate and my senses to be numb. soon my body is weak. i try to fight it, but i soon give in. it posses my hole being and i am no longer myself. the happy, fun, and pleasant person i used to know is gone, and now i have become the poison. the person i now see is bitter, cold, scared, homely, angry...almost lifeless. i think the only thing keeping her alive is the little piece of her oldself deep within her, the part that cared so much. If she loses that, then she has lost herself completely to the point of death.
All she wants is someone to help her, but she wont ask for it. all she wants is someone to care enough, but she knows no one can do that. She wants something real, but no one is genuine anymore. Maybe if she were dead people would take the vales off of their crooked eyes and see things straight. Maybe they would suddenly realize the effects of their poisons they frequently injected into her. Maybe they would finally hear my silent screams for help and freedom. maybe their hearts would change and open up. Maybe my death would inject their poison into them and take all that they have and introduce them to a new colder version of themselves as it did to me. But could i do that to them knowing how it feels? I dont know. Sometimes i feel it would do us both favors and other times i think of how it might hurt them, and i stop. When will this torture end. How much longer shall i wait to be happy and at peace and accepted and ....loved. what must i do to achieve that? maybe one day i shall know.

the little things

Why do i always focus on the negative? I mean there is so much more positive! I have a man in my life that i let down constantly, but still loves me unconditionally ....through all of the insecurities, the fights, the baby im leavin...then turn arounds, and not to mention the pms. idk what else to say.... i just wish i had someone to fill in the blanks!

LIFE

Something new i learned from someone today.
LIFE .... it will throw all of the curve balls possible.
and your actions and reactions to those curve balls can cause you to either win or lose the game.

Dont dwell on the things that break you, instead focus on the things in life that make you.

LIFE will be LIFE!

Love

Our culture defines love in many ways: A touch, a look, a "feeling", a moment of intimacy, a kiss. 
But a touch,  a look, a "feeling", a moment of intimacy, a kiss...these are all temporary. 
Love is supposed to be eternal. If love is only based on "feeling", intimacy, that kiss, the look, the touch ..... it wont last, because those things will fade and when those things vanish you are left with nothing but the memories....and what good are those without the one you shared those memories with.


Webster has his way of defining this meaningfully small word:
The first of his definitions says it is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 
I love how he uses the word profoundly....its as if he is trying to describe through this beautiful word how big it really is. That it is not just a tender, passionate affection, but instead a profoundly tender, passionate affection. 
We, as a culture, make love appear to be so small. We make it appear as a routine...falling in and out of "love", divorcing and remarrying, dating and breaking up and repeating and repeating the cycle until we've had enough. 
I believe that most of the time, we fool ourselves into believing we are in love, just so that we can show the world that we are not alone, or maybe we do it because we want to feel what it feels like to be in love.
But usually, as the circle of life goes on, that feeling disappears, and he/she is gone. 
Most of the time that leaves you broken, depressed, needy, vulnerable, and angry.....My question is why do we put ourselves through this? 
Doing it once is bad enough, and then when you do it over and over again it becomes a routine. 
So why do we do this to ourselves? Why, when we know the outcome, do we still fool ourselves into thinking that maybe, just maybe it will be different? Why waste your heart away like that? 


Next, he defines love as Sexual passion or desire. 
This is what society misconstrues. Sexual passion and desire was not meant, as society makes it out to be, to be that moment of intimacy that you call "love", it was meant to be something shared, not taken.
Passion and Desire. These are two elements of love. the are often used as an excuse to be called love, but they are only mere elements of it. The passion is the part that your partner share and cherish and hold dear to eachother...it is only yours and your partners. And the desire is the constant want for that person. to please them, to love them, to cherish them everyday of your life. it is such a special thing to have, and i hope that everyone will someday find it. But my prayer is that none of you will mistake it. Take your time. Love is about patience:) 

How do you know?

How do you know if your happy with him? How do you know if he is the right one for you??
As i lay next to this beautiful man, i ponder many things..
i acknowledge my likes and dislikes of him, the good times, and the bad...but how do you know if all that good outweighs the bad???
As i lay next to this beautiful man, not only am i pondering, but i am also noticing what i havnt acknowledged before...
Why is it that although i am cuddled up ever so close to him, that i feel as if we are a thousand miles apart??....How did we end up this way???...
When you start a relationship, it all seems soo movie-like and perfect...but why? Why is it that it all starts this way and as it progresses it diminishes....almost as if none of it existed.
Now instead of working and trying so hard to say all of the right things, and doing your absolute best to make them feel special.....that effort all of a sudden disappears and you're left with an effortless love full of fights and hurtful words....and ultimately a broken heart.  
Why does the effort have to disappear?? 
If it is indeed true love, then shouldnt we therefore treasure and make the most of eachother? 
If it is indeed true love, shouldnt the fighting cease, the hurtful words diminish from our thoughts, and our love and care for another be the same as it was from the beginning?
As i lay next to this beautiful man i am thankful for him, through the good...the bad... and the seemingly impossible.
I love him and all that comes with him...

Although it feels  as though we are a thousand miles apart.....I also acknowledge that our hearts are the same<3

Life

Life, to me, is mind wrenching. Who ever said that to be happy you have to be climbing the ladder of success, to be rich, to be popular, or the life of the party??? 
To me, all of this makes no sense! 
I have seen people who work in dead end jobs, and struggle to put food on the table.....and interestingly enough...they are happy.
And then there is the other end of the stick where these people that are climbing the ladder of success, have everything the world has to offer, and the life of the party.....and these people are the most miserable....
Now i know that there are always the few exceptions, but the majority are this way...
So if this is all true, then why in the hell is society pushing this way of life on us???
I am a living example of this. I am 17 years old, i live alone, i dont really have anyone, i have no money, and big dreams for myself. I struggle a little, but im happy. I have my memories and my experiences and dreams that hold me together. 
Would life be easier for me if i had more money, or a family??? yes of course, but would i trade what happened??? no i wouldnt. 
You may think that is crazy, but if everything happens for a reason, then i have to believe there is something better out there for me. 
Now im not saying that people who are very successful and have everything arent happy, it all has to do with your heart attitude. 
My challenge for all of you is to examine your life. What you have, what you dont have....and examine your heart and where it is. 
Never take a single breath for granted, take what you have, and be happy with it. Take your moments, your experiences... and be thankful for everyone of them.